Little Known Feline Personality Disorders

Treatment
The ideal companion for someone with the type of obsessive-compulsive disorder which means their routine/haircut/clothing style/diet never varies. Otherwise stick to a few basic rules: don't change hairstyle, don't follow fashion and never, ever change to a new brand of cat food.

Feline Intermittent Hyperactivity Disorder

Symptoms:
(See 'Greeblingz' in main ailments section) These cats are typified by doing the wall of death on your textured wallpaper, being unable to settle in one spot for more than a microsecond and giving the appearance of a cat which has just OD'd on a combination of Sanatogen tonic wine and caffeine. Some people have accused pet food manufacturers of putting amphetamine in cat food. Owners of such cats have wallpaper which looks like Evel Knievel has done several laps round it with metal-studded bike tires. The intermittent nature of this disorder depends on how long the cat has to pause to catch its breath between attacks.

Treatment
This behavior is almost continuous during kitten hood, though most cats eventually grow out of it. In adulthood, it is generally restricted to one or two bouts per day. If you can't wait for the cat to grow up, Valium is a possibility. A couple of those and you won't care about shredded wallpaper.

Schrodinger's Cat Syndrome

Symptoms:
The Schrodinger's Cat hypothesis is a quantum mechanics theory whereby a cat in a closed opaque box remains in an unknown or "indeterminate" state until the box is opened. In reality, Schrodinger Cats want to be on both sides of a door simultaneously, often manifested as dithering on the threshold in an undecided state. In advanced cases, the cat may be found inside a room when the owner knows it has been placed outside of the room. The room may have been secured with anti-burglar devices, but somehow the cat still appears inside it. The cat simply enters an indeterminate state until observed to be on the WRONG side of a closed door. Many Schrodinger's Cats are unable to operate cat flaps.

Treatment
None. You can't change the laws of the universe. Hiring a maid whose sole duty is to open doors to let kitty in (or out) of various rooms, cupboards etc may give you a respite.