Little Known Feline Personality Disorders

Symptoms:
An affected cat believes that its litter tray never stinks, that your new sofa is its personal scratching post and that it is entitled to the lion's share of the bed (see Bed-hogging, above). It knows it's irresistible and the only reason you hold a newspaper/knitting in your lap is so that it can rest on it while you gaze adoringly into its eyes. It knows that it is best admired when sitting right in front of the TV screen, obscuring the main action. A common feline disorder among cats, often explained away as "He doesn't know he's a cat."

Treatment:
All cats are narcissistic by nature, some more so than others. Occasional bouts of Narcissistic Disorder in a normally undemonstrative cat may be indicative of an underlying problem such as empty food bowl or full bladder/no room in litter tray. Alleviating these symptoms may provide a temporary respite from the disorder. Try using a music stand when reading newspapers.

Feline Antisocial Disorder (Invisible Cat Syndrome)

Symptoms:
Highly independent and rarely seen, this cat is usually invisible. Only the mysteriously self-emptying food-bowl and used litter tray confirms that it exists. Some owners can go for years without knowing what their cat looks like. If it rubs against your leg it isn't a sign of affection, it means the doorway is narrow. All cats develop this purrsonality disorder at vaccination time.

Treatment
Better to turn this disorder to your advantage e.g. if you plan to keep a cat in a 'pets not encouraged' residence.

Feline Paranoid Disorder (Scaredy-Cat Syndrome)

Symptoms
A true Scaredy-Cat is afraid of its own shadow, your shadow and is afraid of you if you change your appearance. It is also scared of spiders, phobic about ping-pong balls and terrified of strange cat food. Merely getting it a new food bowl can induce a panic attack. Cleaning the litter tray will leave it in blind panic until its bladder triumphs over its brain. Paranoid cats are not fooled by friendly behavior - they know that a vet, even a friendly one, is about to ram a cold thermometer somewhere the sun doesn't shine.