Little Known Feline Personality Disorders

Feline Paranoid Disorder (Scaredy-Cat Syndrome)

Symptoms
A true Scaredy-Cat is afraid of its own shadow, your shadow and is afraid of you if you change your appearance. It is also scared of spiders, phobic about ping-pong balls and terrified of strange cat food. Merely getting it a new food bowl can induce a panic attack. Cleaning the litter tray will leave it in blind panic until its bladder triumphs over its brain. Paranoid cats are not fooled by friendly behavior - they know that a vet, even a friendly one, is about to ram a cold thermometer somewhere the sun doesn't shine.

Treatment
The ideal companion for someone with the type of obsessive-compulsive disorder which means their routine/haircut/clothing style/diet never varies. Otherwise stick to a few basic rules: don't change hairstyle, don't follow fashion and never, ever change to a new brand of cat food.

Feline Intermittent Hyperactivity Disorder

Symptoms:
(See 'Greeblingz' in main ailments section) These cats are typified by doing the wall of death on your textured wallpaper, being unable to settle in one spot for more than a microsecond and giving the appearance of a cat which has just OD'd on a combination of Sanatogen tonic wine and caffeine. Some people have accused pet food manufacturers of putting amphetamine in cat food. Owners of such cats have wallpaper which looks like Evel Knievel has done several laps round it with metal-studded bike tires. The intermittent nature of this disorder depends on how long the cat has to pause to catch its breath between attacks.

Treatment
This behavior is almost continuous during kitten hood, though most cats eventually grow out of it. In adulthood, it is generally restricted to one or two bouts per day. If you can't wait for the cat to grow up, Valium is a possibility. A couple of those and you won't care about shredded wallpaper.

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