Oct 26, 2012 at 10:06 #491444
I am a 30 year old woman who has had cats all her life. For the past 6 years I’ve happily shared my home with 2 rescue tabbies, BeBe & George. In January I finally found the man of my dreams and we plan to marry and start a family. I have suffered through a lot of heartache and bad relationships in my life and this guy seems to be the real deal. He is intelligent, good-looking, kind to strangers, generous, successful, and my family loves him. The only thing standing in the way of our happily ever after is his disgust for my cats. He likes cats and regularly talks to and plays with BeBe & George but since I moved in with him a few months ago some turmoil has erupted. He is an OCD neat freak and the free flying fur and dust particles from the litter box irritate him profoundly. He is not allergic to cats, just wants his home to be immaculate at all times. On top of that my boy cat has some bladder issues and is on a prescription diet to prevent stones or crystals from forming; when he gets an infection he pees outside the box but he also may pee due to behavorial issues. The cats also throw up hairballs on a regular basis and my girl cat has long hair and often leaves dingleberries around the house (That’s not her fault, she can’t help it!) All of this normal cat stuff is intolerable to my future fiance. He gets upset and stressed out every time he sees a hairball and yells I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS! Well obviously if the cats have to go then so do I. Because of Georgie’s bladder problems I can’t just give him away or take him to the pound without disclosing his medical needs and then who would take a cat that pees outside the box? It would break my heart anyway. I don’t know what to do. The other day my boyfriend posted on facebook "There is nothing more disgusting than the sound of a person kissing a cat." Also I should mention that when I moved in he banned the cats from our bedroom so I do not get to sleep with them anymore. He said he was sick of all the cat hair in the bed and the cats moving around disturbing our sleep. This was a HUGE adjustment for me and the cats but I think we got it pretty well under control now.
I don’t know what to do. I miss sleeping with my kitties and I hate all the fighting due to our living situation. My boyfriend pays the rent, I can’t afford to; I am digging myself out of debt and moving into his place was a Godsend. But I’m starting to think it’d be better to be broke & poor or have to move back home than give up my cats. I’m there mom and I would never forgive myself, getting rid of them seems heartless and it would haunt me for the rest of my life. I love my cats, but I love my boyfriend too… I never thought "The One" would make me choose… what do I do?Oct 27, 2012 at 12:18 #491445
I know this is very stressful for you but here’s the thing; it’s an either/or proposition for you and no one on this site, or anywhere on the internet for that matter, can decide this for you.
I think on some level you realize this and that’s why it’s so upsetting; this is the one choice you didn’t think you’d have to make.
But you do, so make it.
If this is helpful, here is what I would do. You are obviously under no obligation to concur; I’m just throwing it out there since you seem to want an outside opinion.
Stand by your man.
I have had TONS of pets through the years, both dogs and cats, and loved them all dearly, but I would unhesitantly choose my spouse over all of them in an either/or situation and I know my spouse would do the same.
This is not to say that either of us would do so without feeling badly or missing the pet, but ultimately this is the choice; spouse or pet.
Your fiance clearly wants the cats out of there and the fact that you are hanging on is actually damaging your relationship with him. He feels that he should be more important than the cats while you are continuing to act as though they are equals.
The longer you let this drag out, the more you risk losing this man, who is obviously starting to feel devalued by you since you are hanging on to Miss Poopy Bottom and Mr. Pees Outside the Box when he has made it abuntantly clear that he can’t stand it and doesn’t care that it’s not their fault.
Frankly, I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to live with a cat who whizzes outside the box and a cat with dingleberries, either, so don’t blame his OCD; I have had cats and I wouldn’t want these two, either, and I especially would not want them sharing my bed.
I suspect you haven’t tried very hard to re-home them since you want to keep them, but have a go at it and see if you have a friend or relative or co-worker who will take them.
If not, then to the no-kill shelter with them.
Do not visit them. Let go and don’t look back.
Do not use the cats as ammunition against this man later (I gave up my cats for you!). This will be damaging to your long-term relationship as it will continue to put the cats on the same level as a fiance/husband.
Do not give up the opportunity to be a wife and mother for two cats.
If you let this man slip through your fingers over the cats, I think you will regret it later. If you are going to have to choose which to live with and which to pine for, I think it is better to live with the man and pine for the cats than the other way around.
Think of it this way; if you were on the Titanic and it was sinking and you could only save this man or those cats, who would you save?
There’s your answer.
I know I would unhesitantly save my spouse but if you honestly and truly can’t say that, then maybe you don’t love him as much as you say you do. The fact that you’re in this dilemma quite honestly is making me question how much you love this man.
Part of being married is making sacrifices for your spouse without lording those sacrifices over your spouse. This is a time when you need to sacrifice for him.
There will be a time when he needs to sacrifice for you and how he reacts to that situation depends largely on how you react to this one now.
I know it’s hard but this is what you have to do. Either give up the cats, or break up with this man. You cannot have both.
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