Lost but not dead

I was fostering a siamese mix through an agency for 4 1/2 years. I run a hospice for cats that have FeLv. to make a long story short they suddenly decided to do a home visit, and hated everything about my home. My cats are not spayed, due to problems with a few males that got fixed then got infected and died a quick but horrible death. I just didn't want to put my females through it.
   
Anyway, they decided that I was not good enough and took her from me and said that she was going to a new foster home.
   
I have cried for days, she was my feline soulmate and I'm lost without her.
   
I just found out that there is no foster home, she is in a cage at this agency. I'm blaming myself, and feel very guilty that because I was trying to protect my cats-I ended up condeming my beloved cat to live in a cage. How do I live with that?