Feline Dependent Disorder (Feline Limpet Disorder)
Sufferers are excessively clingy and follow their owners everywhere. An afflicted cat clings to whichever part is most easily accessible and also exhibits advance Lap Fungus symptoms. When shut out of a room it cries pathetically, convinced it will never see you again. Since it can’t survive for long without at least one part of it being in the same room with you so it squeezes a nose or paw beneath the door, waving the paw like a starving man’s plea for food.
These cats can be trained to be excellent wigs or fur hats. They also make excellent hot water bottles on winter nights as everyone knows that cats can breathe through several layers of blankets or a Tog 13 duvet without the aid of a snorkel.
Feline Histrionic Disorder
Afflicted cats exhibit excessive attention-seeking behavior such as tormenting prey when you can witness the grand event and sulking if you don’t respond gratefully to their gifts of decapitated mice. They have a flair for (melo)drama and over-reaction. Any cat which has ever received an Oscar nomination is an advanced sufferer.
The owner of a histrionic cat is the one whose cat story is always one-up on everyone else’s cat story. A good script-writer or ghost-writer will allow you to cash in on your cat’s purrsonality disorder e.g. "How to Live With a Feline Drama Queen" or "Fur and Loathing in LA". Under no circumstances should you ever attempt to upstage a Histrionic Cat.
An affected cat believes that its litter tray never stinks, that your new sofa is its personal scratching post and that it is entitled to the lion’s share of the bed (see Bed-hogging, above). It knows it’s irresistible and the only reason you hold a newspaper/knitting in your lap is so that it can rest on it while you gaze adoringly into its eyes. It knows that it is best admired when sitting right in front of the TV screen, obscuring the main action. A common feline disorder among cats, often explained away as "He doesn’t know he’s a cat."
All cats are narcissistic by nature, some more so than others. Occasional bouts of Narcissistic Disorder in a normally undemonstrative cat may be indicative of an underlying problem such as empty food bowl or full bladder/no room in litter tray. Alleviating these symptoms may provide a temporary respite from the disorder. Try using a music stand when reading newspapers.
Feline Antisocial Disorder (Invisible Cat Syndrome)
Highly independent and rarely seen, this cat is usually invisible. Only the mysteriously self-emptying food-bowl and used litter tray confirms that it exists. Some owners can go for years without knowing what their cat looks like. If it rubs against your leg it isn’t a sign of affection, it means the doorway is narrow. All cats develop this purrsonality disorder at vaccination time.
Better to turn this disorder to your advantage e.g. if you plan to keep a cat in a ‘pets not encouraged’ residence.
Feline Paranoid Disorder (Scaredy-Cat Syndrome)
A true Scaredy-Cat is afraid of its own shadow, your shadow and is afraid of you if you change your appearance. It is also scared of spiders, phobic about ping-pong balls and terrified of strange cat food. Merely getting it a new food bowl can induce a panic attack. Cleaning the litter tray will leave it in blind panic until its bladder triumphs over its brain. Paranoid cats are not fooled by friendly behavior – they know that a vet, even a friendly one, is about to ram a cold thermometer somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.
The ideal companion for someone with the type of obsessive-compulsive disorder which means their routine/haircut/clothing style/diet never varies. Otherwise stick to a few basic rules: don’t change hairstyle, don’t follow fashion and never, ever change to a new brand of cat food.
Feline Intermittent Hyperactivity Disorder
(See ‘Greeblingz’ in main ailments section) These cats are typified by doing the wall of death on your textured wallpaper, being unable to settle in one spot for more than a microsecond and giving the appearance of a cat which has just OD’d on a combination of Sanatogen tonic wine and caffeine. Some people have accused pet food manufacturers of putting amphetamine in cat food. Owners of such cats have wallpaper which looks like Evel Knievel has done several laps round it with metal-studded bike tires. The intermittent nature of this disorder depends on how long the cat has to pause to catch its breath between attacks.
This behavior is almost continuous during kitten hood, though most cats eventually grow out of it. In adulthood, it is generally restricted to one or two bouts per day. If you can’t wait for the cat to grow up, Valium is a possibility. A couple of those and you won’t care about shredded wallpaper.
Schrodinger’s Cat Syndrome
The Schrodinger’s Cat hypothesis is a quantum mechanics theory whereby a cat in a closed opaque box remains in an unknown or "indeterminate" state until the box is opened. In reality, Schrodinger Cats want to be on both sides of a door simultaneously, often manifested as dithering on the threshold in an undecided state. In advanced cases, the cat may be found inside a room when the owner knows it has been placed outside of the room. The room may have been secured with anti-burglar devices, but somehow the cat still appears inside it. The cat simply enters an indeterminate state until observed to be on the WRONG side of a closed door. Many Schrodinger’s Cats are unable to operate cat flaps.
None. You can’t change the laws of the universe. Hiring a maid whose sole duty is to open doors to let kitty in (or out) of various rooms, cupboards etc may give you a respite.